Release The Ego, Embrace The Soul

So I was going to call this post “Big giant Humongous Motherfucking Life-Changing Epiphany”, but as I started typing about said epiphany, I came to another epiphany, finally.

I hate writing openly about shit. Let me be vague, a little mysterious, and leave some things open for your own interpretation, and I am most content. So on that note, here’s a little poem-type writing substance thing.

On that clear day in July

1. Mutual respect between myself and another (but this “another” varies from many people)

2. Arguments and fighting that go around in circles which the two of us share equal responsibility for

3. Constantly being the third and fifth wheel

4. What should I really be eating when I’m hungry? (As in, stop going for sweet sugary goodness and disgusting, yet addicting processed foods, and freaking grab some tofu and carrots!)

And now that the big issues are in the open, there are a couple other things….

5. I suck at Guitar Hero, but I didn’t used to

6. I probably shouldn’t have put glue all over Steve’s doorknob when I was mad at him…..but at the same time, I’m so anticipating him discovering it!

Okay, so to update from my last post (which consisted of mostly confusion, with a side of contemplation), I am safe back in Alberta, and loving the weather. No, seriously, although it’s pretty damn cold, and there’s constantly snow on the ground, it surpasses the Vancouver winters by far, in that there’s a very obvious lack of dreary rain pouring down. My mental state greatly appreciates this (yay, no SAD!).

And yes, I was deeply contemplating the meaning of life during the time I last posted, but I decided to stop that for awhile, seeing as it just leads me to bouts of ungrounded states of mind, which I very much dislike. What I really need is to just go and do, rather than sit and think. ‘Tis my downfall, doing the latter.

Now, for something cheery, I played the Satori game a few days ago. Don’t know what it is? It’s known as the radical forgiveness game, and indeed, let me tell you, it is. It forces you to think about negative patterns you have in your life, and energy blocks you have, where you’re putting blame, and such. Cool thing is, it’s actually a gameboard thing that you buy, and it is really fun to play, if you also have a serious attitude about it. I had the chance to say a lot of things I really needed to say on Monday, all thanks to this game.

Check it out - http://radicalforgivenessgame.com/

I’m sitting in a tiny motel room in Grand Forks, BC, freezing my ass off, sneezing my nose off, and a long way from home, wherever that really is.

I’m really uberly confused right now. I haven’t been taking my “ADD” medicine (Lake Klamath Blue Green Algae), and that keeps me focused on my life path and helps me move forward in the right direction. So right now my mind is foggy and sleepy. And I can’t help but feel the need to get a job. But I’m in the mindset right now that I don’t want to work for a big company, or really for someone in general, but any entrepreneurial endeavour that comes to mind has me thinking that I lack the skills to do it, or that I don’t have any/enough connections to get the project going. Sigh, just when you think the teenage years full of hormones and junk are over….they return and bite you in the ass. Yet I can’t help but think that what I’m thinking/feeling right now isn’t so much teenagey as it is human naturey.

So I’m not really sure what to do to clear my mind. I should probably start taking my algae again, then make some sort of decision. I was thinking of taking some time off school and travelling up to Atlin where my parents live now. It seems like a really cool little artsy town full of self-employed people. Who knows, maybe I could get some inspiration up there. It is a really beautiful place.

So….this post should for the most part be ignored….no one really needs to hear about sleepy brain thoughts. I promise I’ll say something more interesting later. I’ll talk about the weather!

Hoo boy.

I’m somewhat confused right now, but things are making much more sense as the minutes pass.

I’m reading the July/August issue of Adbusters magazine (best magazine, ever!) right now, and one short paragraph/story really struck me. A woman wrote about her experience as a potential juror in a court case, specifically the pre-questioning before they narrowed down the people to the actual jury. So examples were posed, and if anyone had an issue with one, they were to raise their hand. Those who had raised their hands were then questioned privately. The judge asked this woman if she really would not follow Law A if she thought Law B was just, and she agreed, to which the judge declared “I believe we call that anarchy”. Really? Is looking at the human side of things really anarchy? Is considering all options, all opinions, letting everyone have their say instead of following some unjust rule considered anarchy? Last time I checked, that’s true democracy. It’s how my school functions, and it’s how many villages and towns throughout Africa work (based on the humanist philosophy Ubuntu). Yet for some reason, the common sort of democracy today consists of corruption, power struggles, and very little say for the man at the bottom of the bucket. The words “democracy” and “anarchy” have lost almost all meaning to me because of this. Same with all political ideologies. Fascism and communism have so much in common, how can they be at opposite ends on “the line” from each other? Yes, socialism has the most humanist qualities to it, but as soon as we slap that label on something, if it at any time could change some aspects of it, it’s considered a whole other ideology. Therefore, I refuse to label a politician or anyone for that matter, with an ideology. To me, you’re either humanist, or not.

Ahh, cannot write…….Must…..save…creativity….for project….

Well, since I’m here, I may as well write a little….

So I have a creative project going, which happens to be taking up quite a portion of the basement. I have no idea what is going to happen with it, but I have my hopes and faith that I will accomplish what I need to. I don’t really care to talk much more of said project, seeing as the more of a secret I keep it, the more energy and drive I have directed towards it.

And everything else in my life is going a little confusing right now, but that’ll change with time. I think as soon as I see this project to completion, things will make more sense. But for now, I shall remain a basement-dweller/art-crazed/writing-frenzied/self-exploring teenage girl.

Which I keep on fooling myself I’m not.

I’ve stated this many times over, and judging from my past blogs, this is really something that is currently ingrained into my mind, and alternative eduation is something I strongly believe in. This is probably due to past experiences with public school, which were anything but pleasant. I don’t like to dwell too much on my almost 13 years of public schooling, but it surely is one of the things that drives me towards truth, and in this case truth in education.

My dad said he started seeing signs in September of ‘06 of me being frustrated with school, and that I would potentially leave. When I look back, I can really see it all started at around 6th or 7th grade (of course, at the onset of puberty). There was this little nagging thought in my head that would fade in and out every so often, saying, “What’s the meaning of all this?” or, “Is this relevant to me?” among many other thoughts. For the first time in my life, in 7th grade, I didn’t complete a homework assignment.

Jump forward to around April/May of 2007. Grade 12. There had been a deep feeling within me for a long time running, and it was incredibly unpleasant not knowing what I needed to do. But I did know I needed to do something. In time I put it together, and with my wandering, independent spirit and desire to experience education on my own terms, I began researching and planning. I was looking up alternative schools left and right, but they were all so expensive! And none that I could find in the area of Vancouver (where I lived at the time) that felt right. I was at a loss until I randomly came across Indigo Sudbury Campus in Edmonton, via the wonderful website Wikipedia. I visited the school’s website, and felt oddly drawn to it, but I didn’t think too much of it at the time. It was in an entirely different province, and I was only 17. I didn’t see how it could work for me, so I sort of brushed it aside for the time being. I continued on with my courses at school, but not doing them, just being there. I could not pay attention in class, for I was always too busy dreaming of a life I really wanted to live, as well as staring at the odd energy above the garbage can and outside the window near the parking lot. (Another story here, but I still don’t know what I was looking at, it was just there). But my research at the time of Indigo Children led me back to the Sudbury School site, and convinced that I was one, I decided to inquire more. I emailed Nicolette (one of the three wonderful teachers at the school), told her my situation, and expressed my interest in enrolling. She sounded excited from the email, and said it was awesome that I was taking my education into my own hands. Her enthusiasm was what pushed me forward and helped me realize that I wasn’t insane for wanting to leave high school. So I went back to my current school, filled out all the papers, legally dropped out (or “rose out”, if you prefer the optimistic wording), and flew to Edmonton with my dad to visit the school. I was quite glad of the day we chose to fly out, as the rest of my friends were all graduating that night, so it felt even more right that I was moving on.

The school felt very familiar when we first walked in, and definitely had a very different vibe/feel to it. The energy level just felt higher than anywhere else I’d been. During my two visiting days I felt fairly shy and didn’t really make any connections with anyone (except for Mars, but it was still an awkward conversation), but I still knew, thanks to my wonderful intuition, that this was the right place for me. I had been demanding from the universe to help me meet people more spiritually aware than I had been meeting, and little did I know at the time that this school would be a wonderful, giant leap in that direction. I’m still learning fascinating things every day, in and out of school, and having converations I’ve never been able to have before.

As of right now, I know I’m in the right place, but I truly have no idea where I’ll end up after June. Will I leave the school? Try and graduate after only a year here?  Stay for a second year? Move back “home” to Vancouver? Vancouver is feeling less and less like home every day I’m here in Beaumont, so I may very well end up staying here for awhile. Or will I continue moving east? I started my life in BC, 18 years later I’m out in Alberta, will Saskatchewan be next? A whole other country altogether? I have to say, I love not knowing. It’s the mystery that keeps me going

So , I haven’t updated in awhile - here it all is.

I just got one of those blood test things where you can find out what food sensitivities you have. So, here we have a vegetarian who has pretty much insignificant sensitivities to all meat, fish, poultry, and shellfish. On the other hand, I am highly sensitive to all cheeses except goat, nuts, wheat, gluten, and eggs. Damn irony. At least fruits and veggies are all good, same with seeds. And chocolate

A few weeks ago Katie and I witnessed death. And I don’t think you can witness death and not go through a significant change afterwards. It was one of those meant to be nights though. The way everything worked out, we were just in a certain spot at a certain time. We were driving down 200th st near 53rd ave with a car diagonally in front of us, so we had enough time to see the cat run out and safely stop, but the car in front of us didn’t. It tried to swerve, but the cat just got caught underneath and must’ve hit something, because we saw it bounce and just laying there on the road, looking stunned. It was just second nature for me to pull into a driveway and Katie to run out and grab the cat from more oncoming traffic. There was no blood, he just looked really broken, and there didn’t seem to be anything else to do but hold him while he died. It was a really odd time, because I don’t think anyone expects to be so affected by roadkill, and we weren’t an exception. But I think because we actually saw it happen (not to mention we both love cats), and were watching the moment he passed away, it just has this really intense effect on you. In that moment I felt entirely spiritual-less. All I could think was that this cat’s life is done, and this repeated over and over in my head for the next few hours. I don’t like to talk too much about it though. I just feel done with the subject for awhile.

Tay, Meagan, Katie and I are off to Stanley Park today to do crafts. We have paint and sketch by numbers, and some stained glass plastic stuff you paint yourself, and who knows what Tay will end up bringing. This is just one of those random plans we all wanted to do in the summer sometime before school starts and I leave. Which reminds me…

I leave Monday. It hasn’t even hit yet, it just feels like such a natural shift for me, maybe because I’ve always embraced change so easily. I’m just going out with the mindset that nothing is permanent, I could end up anywhere in 9 months time, and that’s a really awesome feeling

I’m out now for fun craft day (we’re starting so early because #1 - I work tonight at 5:30, and 2 - it’s just oddly fun to start your day of fun really early, and to get the morning sunshine and dew)….I hope to continue with this blog, and it’ll be sort of like a journal that I’ll share with (duh Shona, that’s what a fucking blog is….)…..what I mean is that I’m going to be sort of selective who I give this site address out to, and….well that’s about it. It’s like an easier way to update and sort of “keep in touch”, or rather keep up with what’s going on. I think others should do the same, but you know, there’s the whole laziness factor. Once you feel the obligation to keep it updated, you get bored and lazy. So, in the famout words of Miss Katherine Louise, “Just go!”

Peace

The Four Agreements

by don Miguel Ruiz

Chapter 7 - The New Dream: Heaven on Earth

“I want you to forget everything you have learned in your whole life.”

Amen to that.